Tag: #life

Not Out of Apathy…

I was having a conversation with someone tonight that began with voting and politics… A unifying topic if ever there was one, right? There wasn’t much talking with one another, mostly at, but, it did get me thinking…

How do you best go about making the changes you’d like to see in the world? 

Well, for me, I have to realize that about the only thing I can really change is myself.  There’s a lot that I would like to see done differently of course.  I am not saying I am helpless…But it saves me a lot of headaches and heartache when I stop expecting to be able to change the world by just wishing it were different.  Or sitting in contemplation of how much better things would be if they were only the way I wanted them to be…  I spent a lot of time doing that.  A LOT.

Anyway, within the conversation, I was asked if I vote… I have a confession to make, I don’t. That wasn’t recieved well by the other party on the phone. Truth be told, they had some valid points. I have mixed feelings about it myself.  One side of me says “Anne, you are not a responsible citizen,” while the other says “Hey! you’re not batshit crazy–you’re doing pretty good!” 

I know myself.  I do not handle current events well. I don’t vote because I am doing my best to stay useful… It’s not out of apathy.  I do not handle politics and vitriol.  It’s just so damn negative.

When I let that negativity in, I am useless.  I soak it up like a pessimistic sponge.  Bleak and despairing, I lay in bed wanting to cancel all my plans and check out of reality for a while. 

Does that make me a weak person?  Perhaps… But as they say, it is what it is.  I’m just trying to avoid those black holes. You see, I’m trying to be a spiritual person on the path of goodness.

I don’t always know what that means but I try to learn a little more every day.  One thing that I have learned is that we all have gifts. Things that we have been blessed with.. or given.. or however you want to phrase it. 

Some of us are great artists and musicians, who add great beauty to the world. Some of us are scientists and mathematicians, inventing and solving.  Some are made for politics and bureaucracy and business, left-brained and logical.  Some of us are mothers, nurturing all those around us. Some of us build– some of us sew.  Who is to say which of these is more important?

I don’t know.  I certainly don’t want to go around pretending that I know what the most important job is… the most important duty.  I guess I think it’s my responsibility to see how I can be most useful to those around me.  So far that has meant a lot of one-on-one conversations.  A lot of hands held and tears shed.  Laughter shared, vulnerabilities revealed.  There has been healing and growth and seeking.  And I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but my heart feels full.  That means something–it has not always been that way.

I know there’s a lot going on in that great big world out there.  Maybe I’m a little idealistic, maybe naïve, but looking at what’s going right and building on that is the only way I have found to be in the stream of life and connected to the world around me.  Perhaps that is the key.  For each of us to find our path to fulfillment, our role to play in this world and to go forward with love.  I have to believe that is what really makes a change.  The evidence of the power of love is there in my life.

Ebb and Flow

Good days and bad days endlessly ebb and flow.

Why do the good days go by so quickly and the bad ones seem to drag on forever?

I feel a little silly when that figurative shadow passes and the light in my heart is burning brightly again.  It happens every time. Yet somewhere in my mind I still doubt that I am going to feel that light again.  But always, I do!

It is a wonderful feeling, and perhaps that is the point of it all.  If I didn’t suffer from despair some days, would I be able to experience true joy on others? 

Of course, this is not an original concept.  It has been around since the beginning of time. So why do we have such a hard time accepting it?

I think many of us want to feel good all the time.  Whatever that means.

What is feeling good?  The pursuit of pleasure and happiness?  There was a time in my life when I equated that with the purpose of my life.  Constantly I sought out FUN, happiness, pleasure!  I tried it on for size.  But it never quite fit the way I thought it would.  I think I was constantly trying to convince myself that I felt good.

Nowadays, I am not even sure what feeling good means.  Feeling good… What a shallow term.  How about feeling full of life and light?  That I can relate to.  That has depth that means something to me.  Feeling good…it’s too elusive.  That fleeting moment can come and go in an instant.  Not to mention if I am constantly worried about whether or not I’m feeling good, chances are I’m not going to feel good.  I’m going to feel worried… And I’m going to be stuck on myself. And I’m going to be stuck in my head, which often is a rather precarious place to be.

So no, I don’t always feel good.

But damn it, I do feel pretty content.

There are days when I doubt myself, my purpose, my place in the world.  But those days make the other days burn brighter.  My heart leaps with joy at the renewal of my spirit.  It is a pretty phenomenal feeling.

Let us remember that no one feels good all the time.

It simply isn’t the human condition.

If you meet someone who says they feel good all the time–they’re lying.  Call me a cynic, but I just don’t believe it. 

I do believe we have choices. We can choose to look at the glass half full.  We can shift our perspective, as I have touched on before. We can connect with others and give thanks for what we have. But to expect ourselves to always have that giddy feel-good sensation is to set us up for a lifetime of disappointment with the world and ourselves.

Ups and downs.  Round and around.  This is the pattern of life.  It all works together to create a mosaic that is who we are and what we experience.

Without sorrow, there is not joy.

Without despair, there is not hope.

Without darkness, there is not light.

Let me remember there is a reason and a season for all things.

So ride that wave–Surf’s up!