Liza’s Struggle

She sat listening to the clock ticking on the wall, wondering why she was putting off the inevitable. It seemed her whole life she suffered from these spells of inertia. Oftentimes they would be followed by great spurts of energy, but it was always difficult to predict the schedule.

It drove her insane some days.

People thought of her as someone other than what she was, or what she felt she was. They looked to her for guidance, for support. She was thought to be confident and bright. She was. Sometimes. But much of the time, she felt like a frightened child who hadn’t the slightest idea of what to do with herself.

It was as if she was given the book of life, read it cover to cover, memorized it, shared it with someone else, figured things out for a period of time, then promptly forgot everything she just learned.

It was starting from ground zero over and over.

How many times would she have to burn it all to the ground?

How many times would she have to be unmade before she became whole?

“The process of growing is incredibly painful,” she thought to herself as she sat in her home staring at the wall as she often did when she was in that frame of mind.

“I really need to get moving,” she thought, still sitting perfectly motionless.

“Eventually…” said another voice in her head. This voice was very soothing. It often spoke to her of the easier road. After years of listening to it, she determined that, to put it frankly, that voice was full of shit.

Suddenly she roused herself out of her reverie, pushing her chair back from the table and standing up rapidly. She ran her fingers through her hair which was frizzy and knotted from a night of restless tossing and turning. “Just keep moving,” said the voice she listened to these days.

She had a big project due for work. Somehow Liza had found herself working at a non-profit. It was something that had always interested her, but seemed completely out of reach. It still seemed completely out of reach some days. Her mind was a hell of a thing to deal with at times. Constantly filled with self-doubt even when the world around her was telling her she was worthy.

Long ago she had realized she could not rely on outer approval to fix her deeply rooted insecurities. Years of seeking meaning in her life had improved this, but it was still something that plagued her often.

Mechanically she turned the knob on the shower to just the right ratio of hot to cold water and stepped into the stream, barely aware of the actions she was taking, completely consumed with the thoughts of what she would have to accomplish in the day ahead.

Of course, her thoughts were often waylaid by various worries and fears that threatened to cause her to careen completely off course, but she kept on the right track as best she could.

“Sometimes that’s all we can do,” she thought to herself absentmindedly. Then realized, she was thinking about what she was thinking about rather than thinking about what she needed to be actually thinking about. What a circus.

After she got out of the shower, she stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror. She used to detest her body, see every flaw from every angle. These days she had learned to view it less as an ornament and more as a tool. A vehicle for her soul.

Where could she go today? Whom could she help?

That was on a good day, of which there were many.

This morning the negative side of her mind was gaining influence. As she felt the familiar pang of self-loathing begin to choke her spirit, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, reminding herself of the truth of life.

Reminding herself of her own beauty, her spirit. Reminding herself she would be alright. “One foot in front of the other today, you’ll find your way.” She told herself…

Not Solitary Creatures

We are not made to be solitary creatures. I know this to be true. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to isolate sometimes, but companionship and fellowship are imperative to our existence.

At least, to an enjoyed existence.

Not too long ago in my life, I used to try to convince myself that I just “didn’t like people.” I guess that was mostly true. But to be more accurate, I didn’t like my idea of what people were. My inner “thought-reality” was something much more dismal than the truth.

I hid behind calling myself an introvert. To some extent, I am introverted. I enjoy time spent alone. Often I feel most recharged when I get a chance to go on a solo-trek out in nature. There is no denying this. And I do not submit that we must spend every waking moment with people.

But I had to stop lying to myself. There was a lot more going on there than introversion. It was mostly fear. I simply could not see the whole truth of the world. I was only seeing half of the picture. And it was not the positive half…

Half of the truth is that people are cruel. They hurt one another. They starve one another. There is sickness in every single one of us. We are all capable of malice and dishonesty. We are fallible. People can’t be trusted.

The other half of the truth is that people are kind. They heal one another, they feed one another. There is goodness in every single one of us. We are all capable of compassion and honesty. We are there for one another. People can be trusted.

The whole truth. The truth that I have come to see and believe is that the forces of good are greater. The whole truth is that there is so much good out there. Whatever I focus on will be what I see. So maybe it’s time to stop looking at the negative. It has certainly helped me immensely.

When I finally realized there is no monster lurking beneath my bed, I still felt scared. Like maybe the monster was just invisible or something, I don’t know. My fear can be pretty slow to leave. It just seemed so damn scary to let anybody in. And it can be. But the reward of that risk is beyond what you can imagine. It has been for me. I finally feel I am a part of this world. And on those occasional days when I face some trial or tribulation, my fellowship raises me up with helping hands and compassionate hearts. Things still happen. They are bound to. Life is unpredictable and we can never know what awaits us. But if we keep locking ourselves away, we will be left to face our troubles alone. This is especially true even if we believe in God. For, if we don’t believe in the goodness of people, we will be hard-pressed to have any sort of spiritual connection to God. Because we are all part of the creation of the universe. To deny the goodness in one another is to deny our Creator.

To harden our hearts and block out love and fellowship creates a life that is barely an existence. It is the epitome of loneliness. We can live this lonely way even when we are surrounded by people. Many do this… I did this.

So, if it is in our nature to socialize… what happens to us? Why do some of struggle with this? I think it’s because something bad happens to us, perhaps when we are a child, or maybe later in life. Regardless of when it happens, it causes us to become afraid. This fear leads us to isolate. Isolation leads us to despair. Despair makes our view of the world ever darker. The darker our worldview becomes, the more we isolate, the more we despair. It can go on like this unchecked. But! It doesn’t have to.

Look for the good in others, and you’ll also find it in yourself. Look to build others up, and you will find yourself built up. Look to give love, and you will receive it. Take a chance, open up your heart to those around you and feel your spirit filled with the love of true friendship and connectedness.

Find those people who love you unconditionally and do your best to love them unconditionally back.

Life is short and it is so much better when shared with those we love!

Always remember when choosing your fellowship…

“The people that mind, don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind!”

Staying Adventurous!

Today I met Mary. A woman who had recently taken up wood-carving. Not the most thrilling encounter you might be thinking to yourself..

What if I told you the women teaching her were in their 90’s?

What if I told you she herself is in her 80’s?

AND what if I told you she had a badass wooden walking cane that she carved herself?

“Hell yeah!” I thought.

Age is what you make of it. Sure, that is easy for me to say as a healthy 28-year-old. I do not pretend to know first hand the difficulties of old age. I am not speaking from my own personal experience.

However, I am an observer. And I love people (most days). Especially I have always found the elderly fascinating. They have experienced so much more of life than I, seen so many changes. How do people end up with such drastically different attitudes at the end of life?

What gives some the will to live and others a sort of glum resignation to their impending departure from this world?

In part, I say adventure!

The willingness to experience new things. To learn new things. I think it is a valuable attribute for us in our younger years. We are cultivating attitudes now which will likely follow us for the rest of our lives.

It may be easier to feign relative happiness based on material acquisition and physical health as a young person. We might fool the world for a time, perhaps even ourselves. But eventually it will catch up to us. Our faulty dependence on outer circumstances, on the material and physical world.

As we age, our bodies deteriorate, for some of us more quickly than others. So how do we respond? If our happiness has been dependent on our comfort in a physical and material sense, we may go down a rabbit hole of desperately trying to hold onto our youth and vigor. Then as we fight that hopeless battle, despair sets in. In which case, be prepared for a bitter last chapter.

We have all seen those people. The elderly whose light has long ago died out but whose heart mercilessly keeps beating, leaving them to await death.

I do not relish that fate. In fact it makes me rather sad.

But!

We have also seen the elderly who laugh despite their limitations, whose spirits radiate positive energy. Their aging bodies don’t break their spirit. Adventure and purpose still burns in them and gives them life. They are still human and prone to bad days, but they are living!

What do I mean by “adventure”? Perhaps not what one may think.

One definition is “the exploration of unknown territory.”

This does not necessarily entail skydiving or traveling to a remote corner of the earth. No, it is a spirit. The willingness to try something new. Perhaps learning a new card game, perhaps reading a new book, or taking up a new hobby, like whittling (you go Mary!)

For those of us younger people looking to cultivate a spirit of adventure, sometimes we need look no further than our backyard. Oftentimes we miss the adventure right under our nose.

The key to a happy life is in our attitude. Some of my favorite days are when my inner child comes forth and I am filled with awe and wonder at the simple and eternal things in life.

For me, when I am old and gray (or purple if I take after my spunky paternal Grandma) I hope I am, as a dear friend of mine once deemed herself, a “young person stuck in an old lady’s body.”