Tag: #identity

Labels

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to my perception of myself.  I once heard a speaker talk about labels.  She was stressing the importance of getting rid of old negative labels we put on ourselves, or that others have stuck us with.  It is amazing how tightly adhered some of those labels are.  It reminds me of when you ever so carefully try to remove a sticker without leaving any of the adhesive behind, but despite your painstaking efforts, you are left scratching away with your fingernail trying to get it all off.

I think that is how it has been for me in trying to rid myself of some of my labels.

When I was young, I accepted what other people said about me.  I didn’t like it, but I didn’t deny it.  If people called me a weirdo, I assumed that identity.  If I was fat and ugly, well, that must be accurate.  If I was a loser and a loner, hmm, sounds about right.  That’s me, that’s Anne.  Of course, there were some positive labels, intelligent, creative, funny.  Though usually those labels had an asterisk next to them denoting some other label that would negate the positivity of the first.  Like “Funny*”  *but ugly, or something of the sort.  The bottom line is, I did not have a very healthy self esteem or perception of myself growing up.

I still am finding myself coming up against some of those labels today.  Trying to rip those suckers off is tough.  One that I particularly struggle with is feeling like a bumbling oaf.  I don’t know what it is, but ever since I was a kid, I have felt BIG and not feminine.  Almost manly… I have been told this is untrue by many people.  And maybe part of me thinks that it might not be an accurate perception at times… But Friday, I found myself believing the old label.

I was meeting a couple friends for dinner at a trendy restaurant in Brookfield that is by a shopping mall, replete with stores that I have heard of but never set foot inside.  Altar’d, Lululemon, Anthropologie, etc. Partly this is due to the fact that I do not shop as much as I used to (trying to keep that budget in line), but also partly due to the fact that I don’t feel like I’m worthy of wearing fashionable things.  At these times I tell myself, “Well Anne, those clothes are just Goddamned overpriced nonsense.” And I pretend I’m not afraid, just “too good for that material BS.” 

Now that’s a lie. I try not to be overly concerned about material matters. God knows I’ve struggled with that in the past, but I like clothes. I’m just afraid to put something on that seems trendy and then look like I’m trying to be trendy and failed and look like a big fat goof.

So, needless to say, there’s a lot of labeling and judging and control issues and a lot of stuff going on there.

BUT! It was time to slay the dragon on Friday. 

I went into one store because the clothes on display were actually my style. I thought “Oh, what the heck, go on in there!”

As I walked through the heavy door into the store that was decorated with more care than my living space, I immediately felt a sense of being an outsider looking in.  I felt as if every person in there looked at me like “OMG, what is that?” Thinking that my entrance would create such a stir is a ridiculously absurd ego-feeding proposition.  Moreover, there was no validity to that feeling, aside from an old label rising up from within.

A voice inside telling me “You don’t belong here.  You don’t fit in.  You’re not like them. This is where pretty people shop.  This is where they shop.  GET OUT”

But I didn’t listen.  I thought to myself “Well sweet Jesus Anne, you’re gonna have to get over this bullshit sometime soon because I’m getting pretty sick of feeling like a goddamned alien every other day.  You just go look at that shirt you liked and try the thing on and walk around like you own the place, because you are the customer. And you have every right to be here. And you are a beautiful human being.  And give people a little credit. Maybe smile at someone.”

(I have to give myself ridiculous pep talks sometimes, full disclosure.)

But it worked.  I took a breath.  Let myself be myself and took my time.  Looking at the clothes upon the rack that appealed to me.  Not because of what I thought other people would think or say or anything like that.  It felt like a big accomplishment.

Now, most of the clothes were, in my humble opinion, quite overpriced.

But I did walk away with a new shirt that was on clearance,

And a new key fob that said

“Kind heart. Fierce Mind. Brave Spirit.”

Now those are some labels I can dig.

Apples Can’t be Oranges

I listened to this podcast today about a boy who was convinced by two well-meaning assistant high school football coaches that he was destined for athletic greatness.  They were pushy, going so far as to call him at home and tell him to meet up with them for training.  He did. By the end of that summer, he was 6’ 6” and 240 pounds. In the interview, he referred to his body after that period of intensive training as a “costume.”  This was because one important fact remained, he was still himself.  Someone with very little aggressive nature and a little on the depressive side.  Gary simply wasn’t a football player.  His spirit was tied to other endeavors. He tried so hard to be what they told him he could be.  He even went to college on a football scholarship.  However, eventually he listened to his heart (and the advice of a wise therapist) and ended up quitting the football team and becoming a comedian.  He found his path.

But first he had to jump off the other path.  He had to leave the football player identity behind.  He had to venture back into the land of self-discovery rather than others-centered discovery of self, intent on gaining outside approval.

I have also had to eventually adopt this plan.  This plan of leaving behind all the costumes of my life, and trying not to acquire any new ones along the way.

How many identities have I had to leave behind?

There was my attempt at being chic–in which I am pretty sure I ended up looking like everyone’s mom.  After that, my zebra print fiasco, complete with orange hair and eyebrow piercing. Then a little rocker chick. But when that didn’t work, I tried on redneck.  Then my athlete runner stage.  Honestly, I never quite nailed any of those identities.  Still never felt right, none of these changed the interior. 

I was running from me. I didn’t like her!

You see, my thoughts about her were negative.  She was fat, uncool, too smart, too dorky, or just plain boring and ugly.  Who would ever want to be her?  No one liked her or ever would..

No, assuredly that Anne had to be destroyed.  Burned to the ground and a new Anne built out of the ashes.  That idea started at a young age… and I ran with that plan for awhile, trying different versions of myself.

But that Anne was never improved.  And no matter how hard I tried to be someone else, that little dork was always underneath the surface threatening to reveal herself with an obscure Lord of the Rings reference.

Thank God I love that girl so much today!  She’s actually been pretty great once I gave her a chance.  I think we can all benefit from embracing that inner self that we have. That spirit inside that tells us who we are, that calls to us and inspires us. Why do we judge it? Why do we run? We are all who we are.  Some of us are strong and silent, some of us are sensitive and loud.  Some of us love math and science, some of us are artists and dreamers. Many of us are an amalgam of many different quirks. Maybe we should stop fighting ourselves and embrace our individuality. For, if you’re like me, you cannot be someone you are not and find any happiness…

I think a lot of damage comes from us trying to fit into specific identities, or trying to tell other people who they should be. You just can’t make an apple into an orange.  You can paint it orange and texture the peel, but it’s still going to be an apple on the inside.  And you’re going to make that apple awfully unhappy when it puts on its orange costume and deep down just wants to be an apple.

So be an apple!

Or be an orange if you’re an orange!

I am always going to be me on the inside.

And you are always going to be you on the inside.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

It’s time to give the real you a chance. 

Learn about yourself, the essence of your spirit.  Learn to love that sometimes silly, unreasonable, eccentric, wonderful creature that is you. Feed your spirit, cultivate your character, expand your heart and blossom!

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com