The Puzzle

I’m so glad I found the missing piece.

The piece that fills in that hole inside my heart and soul. You see, I think we all have it in some way shape or form. And through our lives we try to find that missing piece. The piece that will make us whole.

“Maybe this is it” we say as we buy a new car or find a new relationship.

“Maybe this is it,” when we feel that familiar high due to our substance of choice.

“Maybe this is it,” we think when we change ourselves, the way we dress, the way we do our hair.

But sooner or later, we find no rest. There is no end to the search for that missing piece when we’re looking in all the wrong places.

I think we are all born with a piece missing. As infants, it’s barely perceptible. So small we don’t notice. The progression stems from there. The more we grow, the bigger the missing piece. It becomes painfully obvious. We resort to all sorts of idiotic behavior. Think teenagers. Our ideas about what the missing piece is are painfully immature and sometimes embarrassing to look back upon.

Then we grow older, not necessarily wiser, and try different pieces. A marriage. A baby. A house?

Nope, all those might be just fine… but still not quite sufficient.

Because the missing piece is something intangible. It is something indefinable. It is of the spirit, and the spirit alone can fit the vacancy. When we are experiencing that sensation of something missing, we have a tendency to look in the realm of the material.

I always had.

And in the material, we shall never find what we are looking for.

Today I know the missing piece is a relationship with my Creator. The Spirit of the Universe. God. Whatever spiritual entity you choose to believe in. The missing piece is the peace of God. It is what connects me to you, to myself, to the world at large. No other piece means a thing until that piece is in place…

But.. there is a funny thing about that missing piece.

It seems to need constant adjustment. Just when I think I have it perfectly in place, a space appears. I start to feel a little restless. Something feels off. This is where the seeking comes in.

Now that I have found the substance that satisfies that vacancy, I have to be diligent about fashioning it to fit each and every day. Just as the piece missing grew from infancy to adolescence, it will continue to grow. As the vacancy changes, so must I.

So how do I do this? How do I keep that piece in place? I have to slow down and practice awareness and being present. I have to remain willing to grow. I must reflect and see where I can improve and where I can be helpful. When I am conscious of that piece of my life, then I have the peace I desire.

The search for the missing piece gives my life meaning. Without that search, life would be meaningless.

Apples Can’t be Oranges

I listened to this podcast today about a boy who was convinced by two well-meaning assistant high school football coaches that he was destined for athletic greatness. They were pushy, going so far as to call him at home and tell him to meet up with them for training. He did. By the end of that summer, he was 6’ 6” and 240 pounds. In the interview, he referred to his body after that period of intensive training as a “costume.” This was because one important fact remained, he was still himself. Someone with very little aggressive nature and a little on the depressive side. Gary simply wasn’t a football player. His spirit was tied to other endeavors. He tried so hard to be what they told him he could be. He even went to college on a football scholarship. However, eventually he listened to his heart (and the advice of a wise therapist) and ended up quitting the football team and becoming a comedian. He found his path.

But first he had to jump off the other path. He had to leave the football player identity behind. He had to venture back into the land of self-discovery rather than others-centered discovery of self, intent on gaining outside approval.

I have also had to eventually adopt this plan. This plan of leaving behind all the costumes of my life, and trying not to acquire any new ones along the way.

How many identities have I had to leave behind?

There was my attempt at being chic–in which I am pretty sure I ended up looking like everyone’s mom. After that, my zebra print fiasco, complete with orange hair and eyebrow piercing. Then a little rocker chick. But when that didn’t work, I tried on redneck. Then my athlete runner stage. Honestly, I never quite nailed any of those identities. Still never felt right, none of these changed the interior.

I was running from me. I didn’t like her!

You see, my thoughts about her were negative. She was fat, uncool, too smart, too dorky, or just plain boring and ugly. Who would ever want to be her? No one liked her or ever would..

No, assuredly that Anne had to be destroyed. Burned to the ground and a new Anne built out of the ashes. That idea started at a young age… and I ran with that plan for awhile, trying different versions of myself.

But that Anne was never improved. And no matter how hard I tried to be someone else, that little dork was always underneath the surface threatening to reveal herself with an obscure Lord of the Rings reference.

Thank God I love that girl so much today! She’s actually been pretty great once I gave her a chance. I think we can all benefit from embracing that inner self that we have. That spirit inside that tells us who we are, that calls to us and inspires us. Why do we judge it? Why do we run? We are all who we are. Some of us are strong and silent, some of us are sensitive and loud. Some of us love math and science, some of us are artists and dreamers. Many of us are an amalgam of many different quirks. Maybe we should stop fighting ourselves and embrace our individuality. For, if you’re like me, you cannot be someone you are not and find any happiness…

I think a lot of damage comes from us trying to fit into specific identities, or trying to tell other people who they should be. You just can’t make an apple into an orange. You can paint it orange and texture the peel, but it’s still going to be an apple on the inside. And you’re going to make that apple awfully unhappy when it puts on its orange costume and deep down just wants to be an apple.

So be an apple!

Or be an orange if you’re an orange!

I am always going to be me on the inside.

And you are always going to be you on the inside.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

It’s time to give the real you a chance.

Learn about yourself, the essence of your spirit. Learn to love that sometimes silly, unreasonable, eccentric, wonderful creature that is you. Feed your spirit, cultivate your character, expand your heart and blossom!

Failure and Success

Am I afraid of failure or success?

Sometimes I am not sure myself. Probably both.

There is definitely fear of failure. Ridicule. Not being good enough.

But there’s also the fear of succeeding. What comes after success? People might have expectations of me… What if I succeed once and then never again? What if I can’t live up to the success?

Better to never try in the first place.

Set the bar low and you never disappoint…

I was like that in high school, an intelligent student who never wanted to give it my all. I was more afraid to succeed than I was afraid to fail. After all, is success really real if there is someone else better? Smarter?

The way I viewed it was this:

If I give 100% and someone else still ends up ahead of me, I have failed. If I give 90% and someone is ahead of me, it’s “only because I didn’t give it my all.”

A fail-safe insurance policy to cushion my fragile ego. In my mind, success had always been about comparison. Therefore, success was impossible.

Maybe that is why I hesitated to try.

No matter how smart one is, there’s always someone smarter. FAIL

No matter how beautiful one is, there’s always someone more beautiful. FAIL

No matter how nice one is, there’s always someone nicer. FAIL

The list went on and on.

Wow, what a depressing and unproductive way to live life, am I right?

And completely unnecessary!!

“Comparison is the death of all joy”

Realizing that fact, I am beginning to grow up bit by bit. (It has only taken me 28 years, I am a bit of a late-bloomer, but as they say, better late than never.)

Success is not about being the best. Success is not about comparison. Success is “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.”

So, if my aim and purpose is to try live my life as fully as I can, to love and give and create freely, then no matter what the world tells me, I am a success if I do those things.

Success is in our heart, in being true to what our spirit calls us to do.

Putting our heart into something is a reward in and of itself. Success is something attainable for all of us. It might need to be re-imagined at times. We might consider our definition of success. Perhaps success is simply growth, simply progress.

Perhaps success is effort and willingness.

Failure lies in stagnancy. It carries a familiar comfort but offers no growth.

We fail when we don’t try, not when we do.

The moment we try, we succeed. For, success is an inside job. There is nothing outside of us that can make us successful. We might be deemed a “successful” business person or a “successful” writer, but what does that mean? Because we are deemed a success by the world does not make us feel it inside. Sometimes we strive the most to be outwardly successful because we feel like a failure at heart. There is a struggle to compensate for the inferiority felt within.

But success is not something that can be measured by prowess or possessions or fame.

Success is the willingness to do the best we can and realize that as long as we do that, we have succeeded and will continue to do so.