Sometimes I find myself wondering if the risk of love is worth it.  When you see all the couples in the world who end up getting divorced, or engaging in infidelity, or simply growing apart, it all seems rather bleak.  I have to believe it starts out differently for them.  Else, why would they get married?

That being said, does anybody foresee the end of a good thing?  When does it go bad?  Once the shine wears off, what is left underneath?  Is there substance?

I like that.

The shine.  It covers up what lies underneath.  But what is there underneath.  Is there a solid foundation?  All relationships have a shine.  Inevitably, it will wear off.  Then what is left to sustain the relationship through the weathering of time.  If your shine is covering up a foundation of sandstone, it will crumble and fall, leaving nothing behind but dust.  If your shine is covering up a foundation of steel, it might break under the pressure of one particular event.  Perhaps, the foundation should be flexible, yet strong.  It must not be brittle.  It must withstand the tests of time, the wind, the rain.

So, anyway, is it worth it?  This thing we call love.  What is the point?  To put your heart in the hands of another is simultaneously one of the most beautiful and most terrifying things you can do.  There is such great joy and pleasure that can come from it, and such great pain.  The risk must be worth the reward.  People fall in love all the time.

I myself am not sure.  Sometimes when the sun is shining brightly and my heart is full of hope and wonder I think “Of course love is worth it.  Look at this life!  It is meant to be shared with another!” Then the storms come, and life looks bleak, and the thought of trusting another human being with my heart seems like the most awful thing I can imagine.  I want to run for the hills.  I want to hide myself away.

Does everyone go through these same feelings?  They must I suppose.  I cannot be all that unique.  So, how do they do it?  How do people get married?  Is it that thing called faith?

I suppose.  But I have faith..

In God.

Not as much in people.. And I don’t think that’s hypocritical because although God is within all of us, we are not God.  So to have faith in God is one thing.  To have faith in the actions of another human being, well now, that is different to me.  Because faith is believing in a thing.  So how can I believe anything other than what I’ve observed of people?  They let you down. People fail.  It’s in their nature.  So then, my faith tells me, no matter what, I’ll be okay.  And I believe that.  I do.  I believe that God’s got me.

But then, at the same time, I think that people will let me down.  So it’s this dichotomy of positivity and negativity.  Faith that God’s got me, and faith that people will let me down.  I don’t know how to handle it sometimes. 

Wouldn’t it be easier to go it alone?

Not completely of course.  I know that to be untrue.  People crave companionship and love.   Friendship.  I would be lost without my tribe of women.

But a partner?  Sometimes I find myself unsure of my capability of being married.  What am I expecting out of marriage?  What am I looking for?  Maybe it doesn’t exist.  Then, I think, what is the point?

It’s all very confusing.  It is this cycle of negativity.

Perhaps I can change my perspective.  Yes, people might let me down.  But they might not.  Yes, people get divorced, but they also celebrate 50-year wedding anniversaries.  Yes, eyes that once saw keenly lose their edge and smooth skin gathers wrinkles, but so do minds gather much wisdom, so does the beauty grow as the character gains depth.  Youthful exuberance may be replaced by slow deliberation.  But one is not necessarily better or worse. 

Life is a journey, and I guess so is love.