I listened to this podcast today about a boy who was convinced by two well-meaning assistant high school football coaches that he was destined for athletic greatness.  They were pushy, going so far as to call him at home and tell him to meet up with them for training.  He did. By the end of that summer, he was 6’ 6” and 240 pounds. In the interview, he referred to his body after that period of intensive training as a “costume.”  This was because one important fact remained, he was still himself.  Someone with very little aggressive nature and a little on the depressive side.  Gary simply wasn’t a football player.  His spirit was tied to other endeavors. He tried so hard to be what they told him he could be.  He even went to college on a football scholarship.  However, eventually he listened to his heart (and the advice of a wise therapist) and ended up quitting the football team and becoming a comedian.  He found his path.

But first he had to jump off the other path.  He had to leave the football player identity behind.  He had to venture back into the land of self-discovery rather than others-centered discovery of self, intent on gaining outside approval.

I have also had to eventually adopt this plan.  This plan of leaving behind all the costumes of my life, and trying not to acquire any new ones along the way.

How many identities have I had to leave behind?

There was my attempt at being chic–in which I am pretty sure I ended up looking like everyone’s mom.  After that, my zebra print fiasco, complete with orange hair and eyebrow piercing. Then a little rocker chick. But when that didn’t work, I tried on redneck.  Then my athlete runner stage.  Honestly, I never quite nailed any of those identities.  Still never felt right, none of these changed the interior. 

I was running from me. I didn’t like her!

You see, my thoughts about her were negative.  She was fat, uncool, too smart, too dorky, or just plain boring and ugly.  Who would ever want to be her?  No one liked her or ever would..

No, assuredly that Anne had to be destroyed.  Burned to the ground and a new Anne built out of the ashes.  That idea started at a young age… and I ran with that plan for awhile, trying different versions of myself.

But that Anne was never improved.  And no matter how hard I tried to be someone else, that little dork was always underneath the surface threatening to reveal herself with an obscure Lord of the Rings reference.

Thank God I love that girl so much today!  She’s actually been pretty great once I gave her a chance.  I think we can all benefit from embracing that inner self that we have. That spirit inside that tells us who we are, that calls to us and inspires us. Why do we judge it? Why do we run? We are all who we are.  Some of us are strong and silent, some of us are sensitive and loud.  Some of us love math and science, some of us are artists and dreamers. Many of us are an amalgam of many different quirks. Maybe we should stop fighting ourselves and embrace our individuality. For, if you’re like me, you cannot be someone you are not and find any happiness…

I think a lot of damage comes from us trying to fit into specific identities, or trying to tell other people who they should be. You just can’t make an apple into an orange.  You can paint it orange and texture the peel, but it’s still going to be an apple on the inside.  And you’re going to make that apple awfully unhappy when it puts on its orange costume and deep down just wants to be an apple.

So be an apple!

Or be an orange if you’re an orange!

I am always going to be me on the inside.

And you are always going to be you on the inside.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

It’s time to give the real you a chance. 

Learn about yourself, the essence of your spirit.  Learn to love that sometimes silly, unreasonable, eccentric, wonderful creature that is you. Feed your spirit, cultivate your character, expand your heart and blossom!