Conflict

Conflict is so interesting.  I like to think I am the type of person who avoids conflict.  This is true to some extent; I am an inherent people pleaser.  I want everyone to like me because I am sometimes desperately insecure.  Historically, I have looked for the approval of other people, as most of us do.

But there has always been another side to me.  The side that says, no, this is what I believe is right and true.  When those beliefs are threatened, a different side of me comes out.  This side of me is not afraid of conflict.  She stands her ground with gusto, speaking exactly what is on her mind.

When it happens, it is almost like an out-of-body experience.  It is strange to have such different tendencies within the same person.  Strange, but at the same time, very human. 

I engaged in a little conflict yesterday as you may have surmised based on this blog post.  I am not going to go into the particulars because they don’t particularly matter, but it afforded me an interesting opportunity to look at myself.  How can I handle conflict differently? 

Was I respectful and considerate?

Did I take time to listen to what was between the words?

Was I too aggressive and outspoken?

To some extent, yes, I could have handled myself a little more decorously. And I always think this self-reflection is a useful tool and serves us well. Next time, I’ll try to do better.

However, I believe what I said was important and a reflection of a truth that I hold dear.  It is important to me to be true to myself and what I believe is helpful to others.

I have always had a stubborn and defiant streak. People are often surprised when I tell them this. I come off as pretty mellow, which I am…sometimes. Then people get to know me a little better and witness a few examples of my independent defiance. There is a fire burning inside of me.

In all of us I believe.

I think that fire serves a purpose.  I think we are enthusiastic about things for a reason.

I also think other people are too.  It is good for me to remember that although I needn’t compromise myself, it is also helpful to look at the other side.  Oftentimes the solution to a conflict lies somewhere in the middle.

These days I try to bend more than I have in the past.

These days I also don’t break under the force of another personality.  Not everyone is going to like me.  I am okay with that fact.  I may not particularly like it, but I can accept it.

Different personalities all serve a purpose.  Conflict serves a purpose.  When we are able to engage in conflict with a constructive attitude, it can often lead us to a middle-of-the-road solution.  I do well to remember that no matter how right I believe I am, the other side is equally or more convinced of their own righteousness. 

There must be someway to constructively engage in conflict and come out with a solution, without deriding one another or being convinced of our inherent superiority.  Conflict is a reality of human nature and I think our inability to deal with it leads to many problems in our society today.  Our inability to deal with differing opinions and our want of censoring the other side. 

We should look beyond differing opinions into the hearts of one another and see we are all brothers and sisters.  While it is okay and oftentimes beneficial to disagree, it does not mean we have to dismiss other people or their opinions.  Having an open mind and open heart leads to some pretty incredible friendships.

No, we are not going to be friends with everyone.  But we also don’t have to wait to make friends with only people who think exactly like we do.  Growth and understanding come from different people coming together and engaging in constructive conflict.

Don’t lie down and be a doormat, but don’t be a steamroller either!

And if you fall into either of those categories, don’t beat yourself up, just try to do better next time…